I feel like I don’t know how to start this post – its going to be a long one. But, I think I need to tell you a little bit about me and my “story” and how this blog came to be as well as what I hope to do with it.
At this time last year, I was working 80 hour weeks getting a new business running. A 7000 state of the art fitness facility. I was doing it with one of my closest friends. It was going to be awesome. It would have been awesome.
Covid put that to rest. We could have fought a hard fight but at what cost? I can now look back at it with a lot of wisdom and I’m grateful that I’m not still working those 80 hour weeks. Because, oh my god – a new business in a pandemic – I’d be lucky if I was still alive.
So now, here I am not working and enjoying life. I am still certified as a personal trainer. However, I know for sure that I won’t go back to conventional one-on-one training. Ever. I will have to write a whole series on the “why’s” of that. I don’t feel like my story is finished there quite yet. I’ve invested a shit ton of money into education and training and I was also a damn good trainer. I’ve passed the torch to some amazing trainers though and if people choose that route for fitness, then I feel like I have some amazing people I can refer to.
Some days when I reflect, I can’t believe how completely different my life looks. While parts of it are very hard due to the pandemic, I am at a place in my life where I have never ever been before. CONTENT.
When I make a decision about something, I don’t look back. I am often asked about going back to work and training people and I can say without a doubt, I have closed that door. If I train again, it will be in a very different way. I also realize that I am very privileged to be able to do this. Although, as I say this, I do mean privileged but maybe not in the way you’re thinking.
My husband and I were married young. I was 23 and he 24. I had completed an undergraduate degree, moved back to my home town and got married. I was offered my first “big” job within a couple of months. I was making great money for being fresh out of university and my husband was working for his family business. We started out in his little apartment and bought our first home for a whopping $124,000 which made us want to puke at the thought of owing that much debt. Oh how naive we were.
Months into my “great new job” I was unhappy. I loved the learning curve – I ALWAYS thrive on the learning curve. But, I sat at a desk. I fucking hated sitting at a desk. Why did I not pick up on any of this before I chose a business degree? Those are the questions that I try not to let haunt me today. Had I known what I know now, life would be so insanely different. I’m not one to have regrets though. Wishes but not regrets.
I was so unhappy with my job that I thought a good way out of it would be to have a baby. So we did. Then we had another. So by age 26, I had two baby girls, a dog and a house and I was all the things that a good girl was supposed to be. One caveat to that though… I had no idea WHO I was just who I was supposed to be. This would be my battle for the next 15 years.
I have done it all. I have worked full-time, part-time, job-shared, worked from home, worked on contract, worked full-time again, worked two jobs, worked other jobs on the side, taken time off and then started back over and worked full-time again. The hardest job I’ve ever had was being a stay-at-home Mom. The isolation, the lack of identity, the thanklessness, the envy of other women wearing heels and in corporate meetings. I still believe its the hardest job on earth.
I don’t feel like I have the right to call myself a stay-at-home mom again this time around. My oldest daughter is now 18. She drives herself around, makes all of her appointments, she is taking university online and she is fiercely independent. My youngest is 16 and schooling at home. She honestly doesn’t require much from me other than the odd drive to dance or town and food in the fridge. Its not like having little ones by any stretch. While I love the stage they are at and I love having them both at home, sometimes I’d like to shrink them back. I want them to need me a little more. I can’t lie though, its nice to be able to take off on a full-day adventure and not need a babysitter.
My husband and I bought the family business in 2008. We were not “given” the business as many assumed. In fact, purchasing a family business is much more difficult than one would think when it comes to financing. A nightmare in-fact.
Very early on, we decided that I would not work at the business. We did not want that for our marriage. However, we definitely had a working partnership. In times where I was working full-time, domestic duties and kids were split almost 50/50. When I was part-time, 60/40. When I was not working, I would say I took on 90% of the household duties. This is where we are at again today. I still do everyone’s laundry, I do the shopping, cooking, cleaning, appointments, school organizing, extra-curricular organizing and more. My husband is always willing to lend a hand and he definitely does what we call the “blue” jobs. Like garbage and recycling and barbecuing – haha! We’ve always said that team work makes the dream work. He always said that he couldn’t do what he does or provide for our family and run (now multiple) businesses without my support and care for our family.
The thing is – it took me a LONG damn time to get to the point of actually seeing that I was 50% of the equation. Back to that identity crisis. The times I was not contributing financially, I felt like I wasn’t worth anything. I also felt like if anything were ever to happen to him or our marriage, I needed to be able to stand on my own two feet. It only took a pandemic for me to realize my worth. To realize that what we have we have built together and that I’m worth more than a job title. But those years of me struggling with that identity almost cost me my marriage twice, it lost me years of joy with my family and a lifetime of resentment that I should have never had.
So when I say I am privileged to be living the way I am today. I mean it in the sense that I’m a basic white bitch. I grew up with a two-parent, loving home. I was given so many opportunities as a child to experience many different things. I was also provided with a university education and no student debt. I married a man who is also from a two-parent, loving home who was also provided with an education and a business to foster his knowledge. That doesn’t happen for many. We both realize this privilege and we are beyond grateful for. We still have all four parents, healthy, supportive and who have always dropped anything in a second to help us when needed.
The rest we worked for. Damn hard for. Our marriage hasn’t always been blissful. We’ve seen therapists and have had to work on a lot of shit. We’ve been through a lot in our 25 years together. It has not been handed on a silver platter. We worked hard, but we definitely realize we were given opportunities to be able to work our asses off. No blinders on there.
The past 10 years working in the fitness industry has been awesome. I have learned so much about humans and women specifically. I have met some of my closest friends through this industry. Its also very hard on the psyche. I have gone through disordered eating and exercise addictions. I’ve been hospitalized trying to achieve the unachievable. While I’ve healed from that part of my life, I’m not at this whole new stage of peri-menopause and the psyche is really struggling again. You do all the same damn things (and then some) and your body is still changing in ways you really don’t like. But, acceptance takes time and I’m now learning that there are women out there going through the exact same thing. Trying to perform their best physically but their hormones are interfering. Life always has its challenges.
One of the first things I did upon deciding to not go back to work was shut down my business social media. I noticed that I was so much happier. I also started unfollowing accounts on my personal social media that made me feel like I wasn’t enough, whether it be because I didn’t have rock-hard abs at the age of 42 or the fact that I wasn’t drinking green smoothies and cutting out all alcohol. When you have “merlot” in the title of your blog – you know this is not happening.
The point of this post was to convey just that. We all have a story, a journey. Most people also only post the “good shit” on their social media. At times, this can make us feel like shit and like our lives suck. Those are the accounts that you need to unfollow. I also realize that MY account may be one of these. If you look at my posts and feel “less-than” or “annoyed” or “irritated”, then you need to unfollow and move on.
I know there are some who follow me and think. “oh must be nice… to be able to afford to not work, to have all the time in the world, etc. etc. etc.” You know what? Yup – it is – its fucking awesome. But it took me 18 years of fucking internal hell to realize how bloody amazing my life is. I also finally feel that I deserve to be at this point. Its been hard work for both my husband and I financially and emotionally and for me personally, emotionally and mentally.
So now my days are spent walking my pup for an hour and a half each morning. I have listened to more books (all educational – I’m not a fiction fan) than I have read in the past 8. I’ve listened to a million podcasts that have taught me incredible, amazing things and that have also inspired me in more ways than I could have ever imagined. Podcasts that even led me to a tribe of women called the Menopause Feisties group who with our tribe leader, Selene Yeager has created this amazing platform for performance-minded women. I feel like I’m “home” when I connect with these women.
I also lift weights with a new mentality that I will train hard to play hard. I have been inspired by so many women who are still adventuring into their 80s! Those are the women I want to be. Living out crazy, physical adventures. My hope is to push physical strength and mental strength until the day someone has to put me in my grave. That is how I live my days.
So with that, I hope that I can help inspire other women who are athletes over 40, weekend warriors, adventurers and those who want to push their limits. Its a small percentage. Not a large portion of women or men enjoy pushing the limits of their bodies. That is so incredibly fine – you need to know that your life is for you! You do you! However, the very last thing that I ever want to do is make any person feel “less than” because I post myself working out and adventuring like its a full-time job. For me, my body and my training right now IS a full-time job. Its where I feel my best. I am inspired by others.
So no, I will not be offended if you unfollow me. Whether its crafting, cooking, climbing that huge corporate ladder, or whatever, I whole-heartedly understand and encourage you to follow socials that inspire you!
With much love,
Olivia